I can't sleep. Part of it is because I need to, and part of it is because of the brewing storm, and part of it is something completely different. Someone is on my mind tonight and he just won't let me sleep... He always was bugging me.
Lately GrandBob has been on my mind a lot. It all started when I got my cap and gown in the mail. It is funny how little things can trigger hurts you try to hide. As I looked at my cap I saw that little yellow tassle and it all flowed back like a flood. Because it reminded me of my high school graduation. GrandBob died almost exactly a week before I graduated high school. My last tassel was buried with him. Though we did all we could to go on with the high school festivities there was a major hurt present and the major absence of someone we all wished was there. It was a mix of emotions in a time that should be joyful. And so thinking of graduation is not usually a happy thought for me.
And then there was the announcements of the twins. And though we are all excited, my heart hurts for them. I wish I could give them my memories of him. The way he talked and laughed and told stories and said "hey mo" and that funny smile he had after he got those fake teeth haha. I wish they could know him like I did. And while I know we can tell them I also know, as a person with a granddad that I never knew, that they will never really understand. They'll never realize how much he loved, and how proud of his grandchildren he was, and how much he would have done for them. Part of it is because I didn't really realize these things until it was too late. I hope he knew how much I loved him too. He should be here to see them. I want them to know. It isn't fair.
And then there is the part where I am packing up my room. I have started packing to move out of my apartment. While I was packing I came across some things that really made me miss him. These are tornado things. I know I talk about tornado things a lot. I wish I didn't but the truth is I am still healing from that day and as much as I wish I was okay there are somedays it still scares me. Well as I was packing I came across this piece of wood and my fancy Bible. Now I see these things every day and they are usually ignored, but not lately. This fancy Bible is my last gift that has both his name and my Gigi's name in it. It was my graduation gift. I am sure he had no clue he was giving me this Bible for graduation
and I am perfectly okay with that but his name is in it and I love that. I took this Bible everywhere my first semester of college but for some reason when I moved back to school in February I forgot it at home! Which turned out to be a saving grace because it was safe and sound when that tornado blew through. and then... This piece of wood hangs above my bed. It has engraved in it "Moe Swann" with a bunch of characters underneath that we have no clue what they mean. I can't remember who but someone found this piece of wood in GrandBob's shop sometime after he died. He was making this for me or maybe I was just on his mind, we don't know. Either way it is from him to me and I love it. When I moved into my dorm I brought this wood with me. It hung above my bed. And then the tornado happened, and I thought I would never see it again. There were scraps of wood everywhere. There is no way someone was going to pick up this one piece of wood and realize its importance. But someone did. Somehow it came back to me even though I have no clue how. I love it. It is a silly piece of wood that got found in a garage and then found in a demolished dorm room and has some kind of meaning I will probably never figure out. But it is mine and it is from my grandfather.
And the real reason I think he is on my mind tonight is because of Jackelyn. As I mentioned, Jackelyn's grandmother just died. This has had me thinking a lot. I wish I could tell her all the good things you are supposed to say. I want to say "oh it stops hurting" and "oh youll see her again/soon" and "it will be okay". But I know that even in 4 years there will still be nights that it hurts, and that some days soon won't seem soon enough, and that even though it will be okay it will never seem fair.
There are still days I look up and think that he will be walking in at any minute. There are times that it is obvious everyone is feeling the same way. There are things I know he would love like watching Mac play college baseball, or having the Raglins living in Cross Plains and all the family dinners that occur. Seeing Wil pitch on opening day of East Robertson Dixie Youth. Teaching Andrew and Keaton to drive. Seeing Kole in that East Robertson jersey and talking about how he is the best one out there. He would have loved it.
I was so lucky to have my GrandBob. He was not blood, but he was definitely my grandfather. He pulled my hair and drove me nuts. He bought me candy cigarettes when my mom wouldn't let me have them. He remembered every great thing I ever had done. He was so proud of me. He made us all laugh by always needing to pet the cat and tell us about James. His butt crack was usually showing and most of the time I knew him he smelled like smoke. He wore his muddy boots in the house right after I mopped the floor, and he had no clue why I would be mad lol. He built crazy cool things and then also things that no one understood. He was definitely one of a kind. I miss him.
