True Life... Morgan Edition

Do you ever just not want to start something because you are so convinced you will fail? It is kinda like getting in shape... I know I will love the results and I love the way I feel after working out but it is the actual going to the gym and doing it that I hate. I have tried about a million times to get "the best body ever" but after about a month of being hardcore, I eventually give up and just go back to the way it was before. Now this is where I get honest. True Life... I am a crummy Christian. One of the biggest things I have learned in my small group is that until you get honest with yourself and others then nothing is going to change. Honesty is hard. It is ugly. The truth is not always as pretty as you want to paint it, but the truth is the truth. I would love to say that I do it all right... I never sin, I always go to church, I do my "quiet time" every day, I spend hours in prayer every night. But.. that is not true. The truth is that I am a human, I sin daily, sometimes I sleep through church, I never have a quiet time, and I usually fall asleep during my night time prayers, I don't stop to pray before I eat (unless I am with my friends or grandmother), I have never read through the Bible, and sometimes my mind wanders while the preacher speaks. That is the truth and I would like to delete all of this and just keep it to myself but I won't. And the hardest part for me is to realize that even though I am constantly failing, God loves me. I would like to insert a lot of Bible verses here but I just don't know any off the top of my head and I am too ashamed to google for verses right now. I am undeserving, and He loves me anyway... I really believe that. Well this is all stemming from a conversation I had last night with guess who?! Anthony. At the beginning of the year we made a list of things we would like to do this year. Some things were big some were little, it is like a little bucket list. Well one thing we both wanted to do was to read through the whole Bible. Of course last night he brings this particular goal back up. He started the conversation with "Why don't we start doing a Bible Study together so we can discuss it and hold each other accountable." Sounds like a great idea right? but my brain immediately flashes back to all the Bible studies I have started and never finished. I have a bazillion books, studies, Bibles, and devotionals. But quiet times to me are like going to the gym. I love the results, I love the changes they make, but I hate the actual process of stopping what I am doing to do them. yes, I know I am horrible.   So I start thinking.. Why start if I know I am going to fail? So what do I do... lol well I try to convince him to do the Bible study I am already doing with my small group because hey I already have to do that, and it is pretty good. I can read my chapters within like an hour a week, and there is a lot of things to talk about. Well after some discussion we both realize that is not going to work because I am already half way in and by the time he got the book I would be done. So we discussed something we both would think we would like and I talked to my friend about some ideas and I started searching. So in the end I brought up the idea of doing the one year Bible since that way we would be reading the Bible and get a devotional and it was highly recommended to me. And after discussing it and thinking and praying about it we have decided to do it. And maybe I am a horrible person.. for not just jumping at the opportunity. Trust me, I know I should. But ya know sometimes it takes someone else encouraging you to take that first step, and sometimes you have to pray for the desire to do things. So that is where I am... praying for the desire to do this and that this time I will finish what I set out to do. I believe that God can do crazy, amazing things if you are willing to let Him. I believe that spending alone time with Him can change your life in countless ways, I believe the first step is being honest and asking others to join you. So maybe all the people who read this are already super humans and are great at Quiet times and maybe you are all thinking oh my goodness Morgan is horrible and I can't believe she wrote all of this but... this is me. This is where I am, and I believe that God will meet me here.

So the truth... I am a sinner, but I have an Awesome Savior who already knows everything I just wrote. He gave me this book (The Bible) that enables me to learn more about Him and His truth. He loves me. He saved me. There is so much more to write, but no time.

Pray for me. For real...